Want a few laughs and learn about the local flora, fauna and history on your next visit to the central Oregon coast? Rent an award winning naturalist and humorist for $120 per day.

My life as a naturalist began when I was five years old, and what a dubious beginning it was. My grandfather and I were strolling in the woods when I tripped over a slug that was, I'm sure, roughly the size of a Buick. "A snail with a housing problem," Grandpa said as we bent down to check it out. Then for some reason he added: "Don't lick it."

You can probably guess what I did. Like any budding naturalist, I licked it . . . or maybe I was just acting like any five-year old who's been told not to do something. Whatever. As I grimaced, Grandpa raised his eyebrows and said: "Bet it numbed your tongue." It numbed my whole mouth.

Learn from my mistakes! If you and your group are hiking anywhere between Lincoln City and Florence, let me accompany you into the woods. Let me tell you why licking a slug numbs your tongue. If you still choose to lick one, that's your problem.

After I've revealed the secret lives of slugs to you, I can show you why old growth forests are more than big old trees. I'll identify plants Native Americans and pioneers used for everything from preventing baldness to improving dismal love lives . . . not that you suffer from these problems, but perhaps you have "a friend" who does. I'll point out local landmarks while telling you stuff that was left out of most history classes: tales about the Native Americans, the homesteaders, the loggers, the lumber barons, the scoundrels and even the madams.

And then there are the mysteries of ocean that need exploring. Ever wonder who in his right mind would live in a tide pool? If you're a normal person, probably not. That's OK. They probably haven't thought much about you either. Truth is, most things that live in tide pools have no brains and are little more than stomachs and sex organs . . . they have their priorities. Maybe we'll be lucky enough to see a whale spout. Even if we don't, I can still tell you all about whales--including why it takes a minimum of three to mate.

Since 1997 I have taught natural history for Elderhostels and on the boat The Discovery. Before that, from 1987 to 1997, I worked for Siuslaw National Forest as a forest fire fighter and a naturalist running interpretive programs at Heceta Head Lighthouse and at Cape Perpetua's Interpretive Center. In 1994 I was named Northwest Forest Interpreter of the Year by the U.S. Forest Service. I'm still not sure why. Maybe it's something else we can blame on El Nino. Or maybe I'm pretty good at my job. Find out for yourself on your next visit to the central Oregon coast.